4 Strategies to Overcome Unhealthy Perfectionism
Perfectionism is often viewed as a strength, a trait of character demonstrated by an exacting drive towards achievement and excellence. This is what many will refer to as “healthy perfectionism,” or what I distinguish as “excellentism.” Excellentism is a tendency to set high but attainable expectations, and to work towards them with flexible perseverance. “Flexible perseverance” is the ability to push forward through adversity while remaining open to changing goals, changing course, or stepping away entirely. In the face of changing information, excellence is best achieved through openness, curiosity, and adaptive flexibility.
Unhealthy perfectionism, or just perfectionism, on the other hand, is driven by fear of failure or of not being worthy, and it thrives on unrealistic expectations and self-criticism. It limits your choices, keeps you focused on a narrow goal even when a situation may have changed, and doesn’t allow you to adapt and excel. In this article, we’ll explore the negative impact perfectionism has on your mental health, work life, and relationships. With a better understanding of perfectionism, we’ll then identify several strategies for letting go of unhealthy, self-critical striving and adopting instead a more balanced pursuit of excellence.
Why Perfectionism Doesn’t Work
Perfectionism is more than setting high standards for yourself or others; it's a pervasive mindset that encompasses an unattainable quest for perfection. The roots often lie in deep-seated beliefs about self-worth and a fear of being seen as a failure. Identifying unhealthy perfectionism involves recognizing nuanced signs such as chronic procrastination, persistent self-doubt, and a constant need for external validation.
Moreover, the emotional toll of perfectionism is profound. The fear of making mistakes can lead to paralyzing anxiety, creating a perpetual cycle of self-criticism that erodes self-esteem. It's imperative to acknowledge the emotional weight that unhealthy perfectionism carries, as these difficult emotions often drive and perpetuate the cycle.
The Burden of Perfectionism in the Workplace
In the professional arena, the emotional undercurrents of perfectionism can be particularly challenging. The constant need for external validation and the fear of failure can fuel chronic stress and burnout. Even when their accomplishments meet their expectations, perfectionists often grapple with imposter “syndrome,” fearing that their achievements are not genuinely deserved, despite ample evidence to the contrary.
This emotional turmoil can lead to a hesitancy to take risks or pursue opportunities for growth. The fear of falling short of perfection may result in a self-imposed glass ceiling, limiting career advancement. The emotional toll of perfectionism can also manifest as burnout, affecting not only the individual but the overall dynamics in the workplace.
The Toll Perfectionism Takes on Your Relationships
The burdens of perfectionism often spill into personal relationships, as well, coloring interactions with a persistent fear of judgment and rejection. The need for control and an aversion to vulnerability can create a barrier to forming genuine connections with others. Perfectionists may struggle to express their authentic selves, fearing that any revelation of imperfection will lead to rejection. They may also over-function, micro-manage the behavior of others, or seek to control situations where others have different priorities or needs.
In intimate relationships, the emotional toll of perfectionism can manifest as a reluctance to be open and engage emotionally. The constant pursuit of flawlessness may create distance, as the fear of being seen as imperfect or flawed in some way keeps individuals from fully opening up to their partners. Understanding and navigating these complex emotions is crucial to fostering healthier connections.
Strategies for Letting Go of Perfectionism
Overcoming perfectionism is a multifaceted journey that involves not only addressing behaviors but also navigating the intricate emotions that underlie them. If you’re caught in the trap of perfectionism, the following strategies can be helpful:
Increase Emotional Awareness
Practice mindfulness techniques to increase emotional awareness and exercise non-judgmental acceptance of the emotions that may be driving perfectionism.
2. Increase Emotional Regulation
Practice regulating intense emotions associated with perfectionism, such as anxiety, fear, and self-doubt, through practices such as deep breathing, meditation, or journaling.
3. Experiment with Imperfection
Try practicing gradual exposure to imperfection. When you notice an impulse to double- and triple-check for errors, to keep working on a project that’s already done, or to redo the work of others, stop - and just let it be. Remind yourself that setting realistic expectations and allowing room for mistakes is a natural part of the learning process.
4. Explore Outdated Core Beliefs
Work with a therapist to explore and challenge core beliefs that contribute to perfectionism, and to uncover and address underlying issues related to self-worth, fear of failure, or the need for external validation.
Living Life Free of Perfectionism
Perfectionism’s emotional toll is a complex interplay of fear, self-doubt, and relentless self-criticism. Recognizing and navigating these emotions is a crucial part of the journey to overcoming unhealthy perfectionism. Through self-awareness, emotional regulation, behavioral experiments, and, when needed, therapeutic support, you can free yourself from the burden of perfectionism and move forward with a more authentic and fulfilling life.
